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Parenting with Internal Family Systems (IFS) – Frank Anderson

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For all its joys, parenting is often a roller coaster of challenges. Even when parents are at the top of their game, the most routine curveballs—quarreling siblings, a child’s public meltdown, or a phone call from a teacher—can trigger unresolved shame, guilt, or anger. 

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For all its joys, parenting is often a roller coaster of challenges. Even when parents are at the top of their game, the most routine curveballs—quarreling siblings, a child’s public meltdown, or a phone call from a teacher—can trigger unresolved shame, guilt, or anger. But the Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach can help parents more fully understand and heal the wounds their children will inevitably evoke in them, allowing them to better set healthy limits, while also creating a more nurturing family environment.


  1. Incorporate “a part of me language” in family conversation to allow for safe ways to have difficult discussions with children.
  2. Create ways to engage parents in an exploration of their reactive moments with compassion and empathy instead of guilt and shame.
  3. Plan an agreement with parents that allows for healthy co-parenting and minimizes the negative impact they can have on their kids when they’re not at their best.
  4. Explain how to help parents lead from a place of power and set limits for their children while still expressing love and support.

Parent Coaching vs Parent Healing 

  • Parent Coaching 
  • Parenting 

Starting the Parenting Journey 

  • Expectations Exercise 
  • Video (I was the perfect mom…) 

The Spiritual Dimension 

Family History: Legacy Gifts & Burdens 

  • Gifts and Burdens Exercise 

Parenting Styles & Attachment Styles 

  • IFS & Parenting 
  • Parenting Styles 
  • What IFS Brings to Parenting 
  • Video (Do you suffer from Par-ent-ing? 

Our Reactive Moments 

  • What causes you to lose it (exercise) 
  • List the reasons you can get activated. 

When Your Kids Become Your Perpetrator 

  • Video (Mom losing it) 
  • Examples 
    • World series 
    • Sleepover & football game 
    • Trick-or-treating & dinner 

Responsibility & Repair 

  • Owning our Parts 
  • Apologizing 
  • Connecting 

Triggering Exercise 

  • Overidentifying with their parts 
  • Co-Parenting 
  • Video (people with no kids) 

The Triggering Agreement 

  • Personal example 
  • Triggering Agreement Exercise 

Direct Access Parenting 

  • Parenting Books 
  • Parenting and Society/Culture 

Parenting and Attachment 
Parenting and the Brain 

  • Video (I’m not your friend, kid!) 

From Reactive to Responsive 

The Parent Self 

Parenting from Self 
Unique Circumstances 
Summary & Ending Exercise 

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